One hand in my pocket*

Usually, when someone is sad, we ask them what's wrong. It's natural, I guess, when we assume the default is happiness, to wonder what's got people feeling down. But as interesting as that is, personally I find it much more interesting to explore the reasons behind my good moods. Not necessarily because my default is sad, but because if I can figure out what makes me happy, I can know where to focus my energy.

Today is a puzzle to me though. I've been smiling all day. I'm not high or anything like that. I feel grounded, at peace, content, and happy. And I have no idea why.

My math class this morning was difficult to understand, but instead of becoming frustrated, I appreciated the challenge, and the opportunity to learn. 

My social psychology class had a guest lecturer who talked about the Milgram experiments on obedience. Not exactly uplifting stuff. And the lecture was kind of dry. Still, I enjoyed every moment. It's so interesting. What makes some people obey authority, and others question it? What types of resistance are there, and does learning about the experiment make us any less susceptible to being influenced by authorities to do something immoral?

Before lunch I completed a short assignment for my Internet class without getting too sidetracked. I'm usually distracted by emails, social media, my own thoughts... But I just breezed through it. Because, well, why not? 

Although I always enjoy hanging out with friends during lunch, today felt qualitatively different. Nothing matters. I always think that, somewhere, whether I'm actively pondering the meaninglessness of life, or just going through life. There's always a part of me that knows that nothing matters. And sometimes that saddens me. Today, it was freeing. Uplifting. I was able to engage in conversation with my friends, without caring about any of the social anxiety thoughts that usually preoccupy me (Do they actually like me? Am I talking too much? Too little? What if I'm not good enough? Etc.) None of that was on my mind, not really. Maybe somewhere at the back of my mind, but it didn't matter. Because I was enjoying myself, and I deserve that. 

It was hard to get back to schoolwork after lunch, but I did it (sort of). Still smiling. I switched back and forth between reading a paper and talking to friends. Wrote one paragraph (which I'll probably change drastically once I finish reading the other articles for my paper). I should be experiencing a lot of stress because of this paper. And I am. But I'm also not. I'm confident I'll get it done, and if it's not excellent, that's ok. 

I did a bureaucracy thing without getting annoyed. 

I exercised, and really put effort into it. And smiled. 

I showered, and ate, and talked to my sister. I told her about all of the painful experiences that have happened to me lately, but I felt detached from the pain. Yeah, it sucks that I had to go through all of it. But so what? Pain is a human experience, and can be appreciated as such, without influencing my general happiness. 

I went in to work for a few hours. Some of my students were great, others not so much. Still, I smiled. 

I put my earbuds and walked to the bus, looking up at the gray sky as it drizzled down on me. Everything felt so beautiful, so poetic. 

And now I'm here, curled up in bed in pajamas, listening to music and writing. And smiling. 

The pain is still here. It likely won't go away anytime soon. I'm still lonely, scared, disappointed in decisions I've made, dissatisfied with how I look, pessimistic about the future, worried I'm not good enough, afraid I'll never be. But I'm happy. And I'm enjoying it. And right now, that's all that matters. 

I'm smiling. 

*The title is a reference to one of my favorite Alanis Morissette songs.