Ten days ago, on March 27th, I wrote the previous post, talking about how I was happy. I expected to wake up the next morning and have everything be back to normal. I didn't think I'd be sad or anything, but definitely not happy. I was wrong. I was happy the next day, and the day after, and just about every day until yesterday. It was a good kind of happy; I just saw everything in a positive light. It's been rainy almost every day. When it rained, I listened to music and walked in puddles, lifting my face to the sky, thinking "let it rain - it can't stop me." Or something like that. Maybe slightly less cheesy-sounding. Last Saturday was an exception - it was very warm and sunny, and I went to the terrace and sat by the lake, studying and every now and then looking out at the water, just enjoying everything about my surroundings. Every day, I was surprised by my happiness, and wondered how long it would last, but didn't worry about it too much.
So what happened yesterday? I'm not sure exactly, though I have some idea. I'm not keen on sharing all of the details - ask me if you're curious - but it almost doesn't matter. What matters is what I did with my loss of happiness. I went home at the end of the day, feeling sad and lonely. I told myself it's ok to feel that way. It's completely understandable, and it will likely feel better soon. I opened the book I'm reading (Just Mercy - it's really good!) and read for a while before going to sleep. I could have spent a lot of time worrying about how I feel, and trying to get comfort from people who don't necessarily want to give it to me, but I decided to try to deal with it instead. To experience the sadness, but not let it consume me.
When I woke up this morning, I felt only slightly better. But I didn't let that stop me. I pushed forward and did what I had to do, all the while feeling pretty mediocre. Every once in a while I checked in with myself to see if I was ready to feel happy again. And a few hours ago, I suddenly was. I decided to put myself in a good mood, and it worked. I listened to some happy songs, completed a couple of assignments, and just felt good again.
Yesterday at Socratic Society, we talked about emotions. This is a topic that comes up a lot, but I'm starting to have a slightly different perspective. I used to think they were useful but I never felt I had any control over them. Emotions are there to tell us what we want - it just didn't occur to me that I could decide to change what I wanted. And now I'm getting some practice doing that. I don't want to feel sad about factors over which I have no control. So instead, I'm not. I'm happy.
So what happened yesterday? I'm not sure exactly, though I have some idea. I'm not keen on sharing all of the details - ask me if you're curious - but it almost doesn't matter. What matters is what I did with my loss of happiness. I went home at the end of the day, feeling sad and lonely. I told myself it's ok to feel that way. It's completely understandable, and it will likely feel better soon. I opened the book I'm reading (Just Mercy - it's really good!) and read for a while before going to sleep. I could have spent a lot of time worrying about how I feel, and trying to get comfort from people who don't necessarily want to give it to me, but I decided to try to deal with it instead. To experience the sadness, but not let it consume me.
When I woke up this morning, I felt only slightly better. But I didn't let that stop me. I pushed forward and did what I had to do, all the while feeling pretty mediocre. Every once in a while I checked in with myself to see if I was ready to feel happy again. And a few hours ago, I suddenly was. I decided to put myself in a good mood, and it worked. I listened to some happy songs, completed a couple of assignments, and just felt good again.
Yesterday at Socratic Society, we talked about emotions. This is a topic that comes up a lot, but I'm starting to have a slightly different perspective. I used to think they were useful but I never felt I had any control over them. Emotions are there to tell us what we want - it just didn't occur to me that I could decide to change what I wanted. And now I'm getting some practice doing that. I don't want to feel sad about factors over which I have no control. So instead, I'm not. I'm happy.
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