On suicide

Like pretty much everyone around me, I watched 13 Reasons Why on Netflix, and I have strong opinions. Before watching the show, I heard a lot about it. Some people lauded the way it raises awareness of bullying and sexual assault in high school (and beyond) and their effects on people. Others thought the show glorified suicide, representing it as a viable solution for people struggling with mental illness or who are going through a rough time. I've also heard criticisms of Hannah Baker, the main character who kills herself; some people see her as a whiny little girl who was just seeking attention. Supposedly, the show makes it seem like she receives the attention she sought, even though she was already dead. People expressed concern about the effects of the show on teenagers, worrying they would want to "try" suicide, and not understand that it's permanent, unlike drugs, alcohol, sex, etc.

I started watching the show having heard all of these arguments, and I intended to keep an open mind. I wanted to evaluate the show and form my own opinion of the intended message of the show, as well as its perceived message. As someone who already has strongly held beliefs about suicide, I felt like perhaps this show would be an interesting opportunity for me to revisit the question. I don't remember when exactly I formed my opinions about suicide, or how, but I believe suicide should be a viable option for people. I believe Western society, which usually emphasizes values of freedom and choice, should consider the freedom of individuals to make decisions about their own lives, and that includes their death. None of us choose to be born, and none of us choose to die. But some of us choose when to die, and there is no reason for us to turn that into a taboo.

The way I interpreted 13 Reasons Why, it did not aim to glorify suicide. However, it did present it as a solution - the only solution - for someone who was lost and afraid and alone. I understand why this is upsetting to people. "Suicide is never the answer," "You're not alone," "Things will change." We have these adages, these axioms, which we hold to be true, and hope that if we repeat them often enough, perhaps we will convince others of their truth. But are they? Maybe sometimes, suicide is the answer. What would her life be like, if Hannah Baker hadn't killed herself? We can't know, but we can speculate. We can look at statistics about rape victims (or survivors, depends who you ask). A third of rape victims develop PTSD. Another third (there's probably overlap) experience major depression. People who are raped or sexually assaulted feel guilt, shame, fear, sadness, vulnerability, isolation. They live with nightmares and flashbacks. They worry for their safety. Not everyone. I'm sure some people recover and live happily ever after. But the chances of that are slim. I'm not saying that being raped makes life not worth living. Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't. But let's assume, for the sake of argument, that Hannah Baker would have lived with PTSD and depression for the rest of her life. Let's assume she would have been miserable. If she could prevent that, why shouldn't she?

A friend on Facebook posted this article by Brooke Fox, a psychotherapist, which discusses some of the concerns with the show. I'd like to respond to some of those concerns:

• Who is responsible for our mental health? I agree with Fox that the show places a lot of the burden on others. I disagree that this is a problem. The show's mistake was to create an interdependent story for an independent audience. In our WEIRD (western, educated, industrialized, rich, and democratic) society, we aren't receptive to these ideas. But most of the world understands that we are social creatures, and we have a significant impact on one another. Many, and perhaps most, cultures recognize that we are responsible for one another. Repeatedly telling people who are experiencing difficulties that only they can have power over their own lives, that they are in control of the effects of others on them, does not make it true. The truth is that people have some control over their own mental state, but their friends and family also have some control over it. And they also have the power to change it. The show tried to argue that they might also bear the responsibility for it. Because they do. If your actions negatively impact another person, telling them it's their decision to be offended is just plain shitty. It's an attempt to empower, but all it does is resolve us of our collective responsibility for the well-being of our friends and family. 
• Is it a revenge fantasy? Fox argues that in her death, Hannah receives everything she couldn't get in life, and that this tells teen viewers that death might be a solution for them. I agree that teens don't really understand the permanence of death. And I think the show did make some mistakes in the way it treated Hannah's desires, post mortem, as sacred. But I didn't see it as being about revenge. She wanted an escape, not revenge. Maybe that's my adult brain's understanding, and maybe teens see it differently. 
• Mental health issues are not discussed enough. I agree. But I think the show represents reality, and helps us recognize that we don't discuss mental health enough. I went to high school in Israel, so it might be slightly different than it is here, but probably not very different. We didn't talk about mental health in high school. So maybe the show should have presented viewers with a better alternate reality. But maybe the fact that it didn't will help adults recognize the need to provide better resources for teens - ones they will actually use and benefit from. 
• Misogyny. Fox references this article that talks about the way the show reflects the misogyny and objectification of girls and women. But for reasons she didn't really get into, Fox thinks that the show disempowers women. Again, I don't think the show does that, I think reality does. In high school, boys got to define girls' worth, and there was very little we could do to change that. 
• Does the show glamorize suicide? That's the bottom line, the real issue. We have empirical studies and plenty of data to suggest that suicide rates are affected by the media, which is why there are websites dedicated to educating the public about how to talk about suicide. If all we care about preventing to suicide, 13 Reasons Why was an irresponsible show. While I don't think that was its intention, it does glamorize it. It violates all of the rules for talking about suicide. We'll probably have to wait a bit to see whether it actually increased suicide rates, that's an empirical question. But it seems likely to me that it did. And yes, it is extremely sad for the family and friends of the people who kill themselves. But perhaps we should go beyond suicide prevention. Perhaps there would be fewer suicides to prevent, if we take the message of the show seriously. 

There are people all around us who are suffering deeply. We shouldn't wait until they kill themselves to start caring. We shouldn't wait until they're anywhere near wanting to kill themselves. We don't, or shouldn't, need the threat of suicide to move us to act and care for one another. We are all responsible for one another. Our words and actions have long-lasting effects on others. We need to own up to that. We need to actually care. We are individuals, but we are also interdependent, and we could all try to be a little more inter-dependable.