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Looking for some Kool-aid

The opinions expressed are not representative of City Year or AmeriCorps as organizations

I often wish I were more normal. By that I mean more susceptible to the influences of society. By that I mean less stubborn. By that I mean more able to just go with the flow. Actually, I'm not sure what I mean by that.

Every company has things about it that some employees don't like. I don't expect to ever find a job that will exactly match everything I want and need. I understand this, and it's supposed to make me feel less negatively about City Year and the things I hate about it. But all that happens when I'm reminded of the fact that no place is perfect is I feel more out of place in the world.

I watch the people around me get abnormally excited about "earning" pieces of our uniform, and as I think about how ridiculous they're being, I can't help but think about how much easier my life would be if I were like them. Critical thinking is one of the few things I think I'm actually relatively good at - yet I wish I weren't. Everyone keeps saying critical thinking is important, but when you think critically about the organizations you're a part of, and the norms and rules that dictate how we live our lives, both in and out of the workplace, then you can't help but focus on how useless and fucked up so much of what we do is. And there's no way to change anything.

I want to be a part of the mass delusions. I want to experience deindividuation. I want to partake in groupthink. I want to drink the Kool-aid.

The more time I spend in CY, doing CY things (i.e. anything other than actually working with the students), the more lonely I feel. I'm disconnected. I'm different. Everyone around me is "woo-hooing" about stuff and religiously following the CY pledge and mission and shit, and I feel like I'm slowly losing the ability to belong.

I'm not in it for making friends, or building my resume, or getting resources for my professional development. I joined CY to help students who've been given up on and abandoned by too many adults in their lives. I joined to push them to fulfill their potential and create better futures for themselves. I joined to empower them to take control of their "destiny" and build communities for themselves and their loved ones. I joined because I want to actually do something to make an actual difference in the lives of students. I joined for these reasons, and I will stay for as long as I believe I can do these things.

I just wish it weren't so fucking lonely.


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