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Kool-aid, part 2.

The opinions expressed are not representative of City Year or AmeriCorps as organizations

I was supposed to have figured things out in college, or at least have some sort of direction. Yet here I am, Bachelor's degree in hand, and clueless. I thought I wanted to dedicate a year of my life to helping people, so City Year seemed like the perfect opportunity for me. I'd be able to figure out my next step, and also be able to make a difference in the lives of some students.

The cult-like culture bothered me a bit at first. It was tiresome and irritating, but I tried to ignore it. I'm here for the kids. That's what matters. I thought I'd get used to the culture. I thought it'd become a minor annoyance that I had to endure in order to be able to do what I came here for. But it seems like the longer I stay, the worse it gets. Nothing has changed, except perhaps my perspective, which is becoming steadily worse. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to have to stand in a circle every morning and chant about my boots and shoes. I don't want to have to wave my hand in the air and sing-song "announcements" before hearing the same useless information over and over again. I don't want to have to play "team building" games that just make me feel isolated. I don't want to maintain a "positive can-do attitude."

It's been ten days since I posted about wanting to fit in, wanted to be able to turn off my thoughts and just be a part of it. I'm not sure that's what I want anymore. I'm extremely unhappy, and I'm starting to think that maybe it's time to do something about it. Maybe I shouldn't just sit around waiting for things to get better.

Then I think, "maybe the problem isn't with City Year." Maybe the problem is with me. Maybe I just don't know how to handle life. If I quit and find a job, maybe it will be just as bad. And what kind of job would that be, anyway? I don't feel qualified to do anything. I don't think I'll feel qualified after City Year though, so what difference does that make? What's the point in waiting?

In my previous post I wrote that I'll stay in City Year for as long as I believe I can help students. I don't know if I still believe it. I doubt I'm making much of a difference for them. And even if I am, maybe I could be doing a lot more elsewhere. I don't want to quit, but I don't want to be miserable. It feels like if I stay I'll probably continue to feel this way, whereas if I leave there's perhaps a small chance that things will get better. I need to stop waiting for things to happen to me. I need to start taking control over my own life. That scares me a lot. It's ok to be scared though.


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