The opinions expressed are not representative of City Year or AmeriCorps as organizations
My last blog post received a lot more attention than I expected. Some of the reactions have been positive and supportive, others not so much. I really appreciate my fellow corps members and the upper management people who have reached out to me in the past week. Some of them have thanked me for writing and voicing what a lot of them have been feeling. That validation and acceptance meant a lot to me, more than they probably realize. I also really value the people who have approached me to try to change my mind or to question the assumptions and claims I made. I always want to learn and grow as a person, and getting that feedback has helped me continue to question and explore the impact of what I'm doing. I still disagree with many of City Year's practices, but I'm trying to learn more in order to build a well-informed critique, and offer alternatives. A number of people have encouraged me to try to create the changes that I think would be beneficial for the students. I seriously doubt I will be able to change anything, but I definitely won't be able to if I don't try. So I'll read up more on what we do and why, and research better options, and try to meet with the decision makers to propose changes. If it fails, at least I'll have tried.
There's another point I'd like to focus on that has gotten lost in most of the discussions I've been having. In addition to (what I like to think of as) my rational reasons for opposing City Year culture, I have an emotional reaction to what we do. My emotional reaction isn't "rational" in the sense that I can defend it with reason and logic, but it's just as real and just as important. When I am forced to participate in the cult stuff (chanting, circle stuff, huddles, "unity" rallies, opening day ceremony, etc.) I feel bad. Really bad. The cult things make me feel isolated. They make me feel different. I feel like I don't belong. I feel like I never have belonged, anywhere. I feel like I never will belong. I feel like there is something fundamentally different about me, that is preventing me from participating in and enjoying the same things as my peers. I feel like I'm not welcome in society, and maybe I should leave. Humans are social creatures, and if I don't fit into society, well, maybe I shouldn't exist.
I don't like feeling this way. It's not rational, I know that a lot of what I feel isn't true, but it still feels that way. I've told my manager all of this, and that because my emotional well-being matters to me, I won't be attending the opening day ceremony on Tuesday. He said he'd talk to the higher ups, because it was too late to ask for time off. Later I was told that I can't get the time off, so if I don't show, I'm going to get written up. If I were physically sick on Tuesday, this wouldn't be an issue. But I know ahead of time that being there will make me mentally "sick" and I tried to convey that to the people in charge, and they didn't care.
It is what it is. I'm not going to go. Instead, I'll be attending an orientation for volunteers for the Habitat for Humanity so I can help build houses on the weekends, and then going to clean up a park through the Urban Ecology Center. I'm not trying to get out of it so I can get an afternoon off. I sought out alternative volunteer options because I want to contribute to my community. Because being actively engaged in a cause greater than oneself is part of what it means to live a meaningful life, and it's what makes me feel like I do belong.
It isn't fun for me to feel the way I feel. I'm not trying to be special or get attention. I'm trying to avoid the feeling of wanting to kill myself. And to anyone out there who might be panicking at the mention of killing myself, no, I'm not suicidal. I'm not suicidal because I know how to take care of myself. I know which situations to avoid so I can continue to be healthy and strong, physically and emotionally.
I'll get written up. I don't disagree with the consequence. I accept that what I am doing is against the rules and expectations of City Year. As an organization that values equity (as opposed to equality), I kind of expected that there would be more of a focus on individual needs rather than on a "one size fits all" approach. But then again, I've been criticizing them openly on the internet, so I can't really expect them to treat me fairly.
My last blog post received a lot more attention than I expected. Some of the reactions have been positive and supportive, others not so much. I really appreciate my fellow corps members and the upper management people who have reached out to me in the past week. Some of them have thanked me for writing and voicing what a lot of them have been feeling. That validation and acceptance meant a lot to me, more than they probably realize. I also really value the people who have approached me to try to change my mind or to question the assumptions and claims I made. I always want to learn and grow as a person, and getting that feedback has helped me continue to question and explore the impact of what I'm doing. I still disagree with many of City Year's practices, but I'm trying to learn more in order to build a well-informed critique, and offer alternatives. A number of people have encouraged me to try to create the changes that I think would be beneficial for the students. I seriously doubt I will be able to change anything, but I definitely won't be able to if I don't try. So I'll read up more on what we do and why, and research better options, and try to meet with the decision makers to propose changes. If it fails, at least I'll have tried.
There's another point I'd like to focus on that has gotten lost in most of the discussions I've been having. In addition to (what I like to think of as) my rational reasons for opposing City Year culture, I have an emotional reaction to what we do. My emotional reaction isn't "rational" in the sense that I can defend it with reason and logic, but it's just as real and just as important. When I am forced to participate in the cult stuff (chanting, circle stuff, huddles, "unity" rallies, opening day ceremony, etc.) I feel bad. Really bad. The cult things make me feel isolated. They make me feel different. I feel like I don't belong. I feel like I never have belonged, anywhere. I feel like I never will belong. I feel like there is something fundamentally different about me, that is preventing me from participating in and enjoying the same things as my peers. I feel like I'm not welcome in society, and maybe I should leave. Humans are social creatures, and if I don't fit into society, well, maybe I shouldn't exist.
I don't like feeling this way. It's not rational, I know that a lot of what I feel isn't true, but it still feels that way. I've told my manager all of this, and that because my emotional well-being matters to me, I won't be attending the opening day ceremony on Tuesday. He said he'd talk to the higher ups, because it was too late to ask for time off. Later I was told that I can't get the time off, so if I don't show, I'm going to get written up. If I were physically sick on Tuesday, this wouldn't be an issue. But I know ahead of time that being there will make me mentally "sick" and I tried to convey that to the people in charge, and they didn't care.
It is what it is. I'm not going to go. Instead, I'll be attending an orientation for volunteers for the Habitat for Humanity so I can help build houses on the weekends, and then going to clean up a park through the Urban Ecology Center. I'm not trying to get out of it so I can get an afternoon off. I sought out alternative volunteer options because I want to contribute to my community. Because being actively engaged in a cause greater than oneself is part of what it means to live a meaningful life, and it's what makes me feel like I do belong.
It isn't fun for me to feel the way I feel. I'm not trying to be special or get attention. I'm trying to avoid the feeling of wanting to kill myself. And to anyone out there who might be panicking at the mention of killing myself, no, I'm not suicidal. I'm not suicidal because I know how to take care of myself. I know which situations to avoid so I can continue to be healthy and strong, physically and emotionally.
I'll get written up. I don't disagree with the consequence. I accept that what I am doing is against the rules and expectations of City Year. As an organization that values equity (as opposed to equality), I kind of expected that there would be more of a focus on individual needs rather than on a "one size fits all" approach. But then again, I've been criticizing them openly on the internet, so I can't really expect them to treat me fairly.
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